From the Desk of Senator Natasha Akpoti Uduaghan
Date: 27th April 2025
To:
The Distinguished Senate President,
His Excellency, Godswill Akpabio,
National Assembly Complex,
Abuja, Nigeria.
Subject: A Groveling, Satirical Apology for My Excessive Self-Respect
Dear Distinguished Senate President,
With the deepest sarcasm and the most elaborate pantomime of regret, I hereby apologize for the intolerable crime of exhibiting dignity and self-respect in your gloriously fragile presence.
In my ignorance, I failed to understand that in this hallowed chamber, merit is irrelevant, and compliance — particularly of the private, fleshly variety — is the true currency of legislative progress.
How naïve of me to imagine that hard work, integrity, and the people's mandate could ever compete with dinner invitations extended behind closed doors.
I now fully grasp the horror I have unleashed: motions stalled, tantrums thrown, and egos — bloated beyond comprehension — punctured like overfed balloons. For daring to prioritize the constitution over concubinary politics, I lower my head in theatrical, not to mention entirely insincere, shame.
Please find it somewhere within your cavernous reserves of entitlement to forgive this obstinate woman — a woman who had the audacity to believe her Senate seat was awarded by elections, and not erections.
I assure you, Mr. President, I have learned my lesson: competence is overrated, and capitulation is king.
I remain,
Yours in unrepentant resistance,
Senator Natasha H. Akpoti Uduaghan
Still Unafraid. Still Unbought. Forever Unbroken.
End